Broken

Cause obviously.. Jacob got broken, right?

What exactly does it mean to be broken? I know it’s not sitting there, being emo, listening to “Broken” by Seether and Amy Lee, (which is exactly what I’m doing), but if you ask me, it’s kind of a tricky thing. Superficially, I would say YES; I’ve been broken not once, but many times. I am truly, the real life version of Sally the Ragdoll from the Nightmare Before Christmas. But spiritually, to be broken is something much deeper, something involving a great blow to our natural man, and also, it is once and for all.

I don’t think that’s happened to me yet.

However, looking at the failures of David, Jacob, etc, I have to say I’ve probably been there. Not being cocky or anything, but that’s my humanity- full of holes. So these experiences come around fairly often. But maybe that’s just it: through our failures, we receive the breaking. That’s plausible enough, and yet…it is a wonder that I’m not broken yet.

Well, where it matters. Maybe even this insistence to be broken reveals even more why I’m still not broken. Not enough failures, not enough learning.

And worst of all, not enough of the Lord having His way.

……..Depressing.

Well, if Jacob’s the pattern, it can’t get much worse, right? I will not pray for the breaking, or even for failures.

But Lord, I do just want You to have Your way. And that’s all I’m willing to say.

The Final Frontier: Marriage

Finally. 

Romans 16:27: To the only wise God through Jesus Christ, to Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

Obviously, in my most recent travels, a lot has happened to get to this point:

The marriage thing is no longer a most deplorable issue.

Why the  change? I can only cite the only wise God for that. It’s been hard, recently, very hard, but I guess that was really the only way. For Jacob to be full of blessing at the end of his days, for him to be fully transformed, it took the loss of many, many things.

For me, it’s been the dealing of my naturalness, my flesh, my concepts, and I’m sure there’s some other ones. Not that I’m completely transformed or anything, but I’m thankful in the Lord’s mercy and wisdom, He actually touched these things.

I wonder what it’s like for a patient after they wake up from a successful, major surgery. I mean they know something  incredible and life changing has happened, but there is still a long journey ahead in the aftermath.

Even so, there’s so much to be happy about.

I’m not happy about any prospects, anything that was sad or did, but I’m just happy to be touched. Happy to be a receiver of mercy. I don’t know what will happen now, not that I care, but I just praise the Lord.

Praise the One that has shepherded me all my life to this day.

Not “Yes” AND “No”…..

I almost refuse to visit this using this platform, but I suppose, conveyed in a certain way, it is relevant.

In 2 Corinthians 1:18, Paul says to the believers, “But as God is faithful, our word toward you is not yes and no.” This was in their proclaiming of Christ, showing that what they ministered (Christ) was what they were (the reproduction of Christ).  And, in verse 20, Paul goes on to say that, “For as many promises of God as there are, in Him is the Yes; therefore also through Him is the Amen to God, for glory through us to God.” This reveals that Christ is the answer, God’s way of fulfilling all the promises made to us.

I’ve built this up, and if you’re sharp,  you see where I’m going.
God’s word to Jacob was never yes and no; He made him a promise, but many things had to come to pass for that promise to be fulfilled. Jacob may have tried in his own power to do a lot, and seemingly he may have prospered, thinking that that was a part of God’s fulfilling of His promise. Maybe a few of those times it was, but all the misfortunes and tragedies that befell him, well…..

What were those about? The word, once again, was not yes and no…..

I myself seem to be in a big “yes” and “no”. Outwardly, the way things have turned out and by the way they’re still going, they must be a no.

But then again…..for so long, and after being quite sure……

I really thought there was a yes. Maybe Jacob was the same way. Maybe there was a yes when he saw Rachel, or a yes when he did all those things to cheat Laban. From the way they turned out, they seem like a no. But in the big picture….

It was all a part of God’s great yes.

Dream On….

I want to stop dreaming.

I know, conflicting title. But it conveys the real situation. Which reads as follows.

When Jacob had the dream about the ladder, about God’s house at Bethel, I wonder what recurring impact it had on his being. For example, after maybe the eightieth time of tricking someone to get his way, I wonder if he ever had the thought, “Can this really lead back to the house of God….?”.

I wonder.

If it were me, I still, in my natural strength, would have tried to do a lot of things. Things I thought would put me on the fast track to receive all that God had promised.

But that’s just not how it works. God has His way, His timing, His arrangement for even fulfilling the promises that He made to us. Therein lies the problem.

As a true Jacob, while God is arranging everything in a certain way for the fulfillment of all the promises and ultimately His own dream, it’s like I’m dreaming this parallel counterfeit dream. I see the goal, but….

Every time I try to force my own way, my own path. A showdown with Esau here, skirmish with Laban there….

But does any of this lead back to that dream? To that place? The house of God?

Optimistically and factually, yes, in Jacob’s experience.

It just takes a long time.

Sigh.

Lord, I very much want what You want. I even amen what You dream. But in myself, I can never get there. Until You visit me, I’ll always be lost, wandering in the wrong dream.

Dream…Vow…Distance

“And he came to a certain place and spent the night there, because the sun had set; and he took one of the stones of the place and put it under his head, and he lay down in that place…”

“And he dreamed.”

And finally, he…

“…vowed a vow…”

“If God will be with me and will keep me in this way that I go and will give me bread to eat and garments to put on, so that I return to my father’s house in peace, then Jehovah will be my God, and this stone, which I have set up as a pillar, will be God’s house; and of all that You give me I will surely give one tenth to You.”

What amazes me is that despite every effort of this person, even despite this person, this vow is somehow, fulfilled. If you’re an optimist, you take this as a great encouragement; immediately,  the wind returns to all your sails, and life is grand. Besides, not only is the vow fulfilled, but not everyone gets to see such an awesome vision either. If that guy had THE dream, then the rest of us are S-E-T, set.

But then there’s people like me.

And you have to wonder…

There’s the dream….and then the vow…..and then, all this…distance. Even Jacob’s fulfillment wasn’t right around the corner.

On that note, the corners in my life are few and far between.

I know I’m on this journey and I even dare say that this isn’t the beginning, but what worries me is the thought of spending this distance. Will it be traveled well, or full wasted steps, backward motion, and unnecessary detours?

Right now, I’m remembering a lot of detours. And yet, it was those detours that kept me on the path for the next leg. If that makes any sense.

So all in all,  I guess this has become a travel log. To track my progress, have some adventures…

And hopefully, one day, get to where I’m going.